Posted by: Robin Hawkins | June 24, 2010

afgrys

dis grys afgryslik en als woel duskant eenkant toe

my muilband trek jy soms so styf so styf ek hyg

na lewe sonder lus vir daardie asemslag wat net

te veel blerrie moeite is – so sonder wins eenvoudig

kuile van verdriet wat damgooi

voor my oog vlieg eende weg gatvol

vir die banale werklikhede van pa-speel

die passiespel van eindelose trane

wat uit jou geboorte vloei

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Responses

  1. Hi Robin,

    If you don’t mind, I’m going to do this crit in English. My Afrikaans is so rusty that it will take me forever to offer my comments in Afrikaans, and I’m a bit pressed for time at the moment.

    I very much like the conceit here – the gray, off-gray shades, shadows, disorientation out of which a thought pattern slowly solidifies.

    My nits on how the poem may be improved are:

    First, the title might be even more intriguing, were you to substitute it with: “dis grys afgryslik” from the L1 and running into the first line with “als woel duskant”, where incidentally, I’d consider breaking the line, and leaving “eenkant toe” on a line of its own. I also feel you might obtain a lot more mileage out of many of your line-breaks, by examining them to reinforce the theme and the state of mind you’re trying to get across to the reader.

    I also felt that the introduction to parenthood in L7, was perhaps a bit too late and by introducing “children” into the poem earlier (within the first three lines), preferably with a concrete image, you would create continuity and prepare the reader for what was to follow.

    I also liked the way the poem pivoted between the concrete and abstract, but would have preferred a little more concrete imagery (probably a bias of mine), particular at the end, where I feel it would strengthen the poem’s close.

    I hope my comments are of some use.

    Thanks for posting,

    Chris

    • Indeed they are, Chris, and thanks. Interestingly enough, my initial title, which I still do prefer, was “grys afgryslik”. I sort of agree with the parenthood thing and will need to think about it, also about the line-breaks. These are extremely important in a work without caps and punct. Thanks a mill.

  2. Wonderlik Robin. Sal gedurig hier inloer. Dankie vir die deel. Wens ek kon rym, maar ek het geen benul van dit nie.

  3. Hallo Robin

    Navigasie: jy kan die “Archives” gebruik om by Izette se verse uit te kom. Dit verskyn onderaan die regterkolom, net bokant die “Flickr photos”.

    Klik daarop en jy kry ‘n lysie waar jy die maand kan kies wat jy wil bekyk. Izette se verse is in Maart gepos.

    Jy sal ook sien dat onderaan jou gedig die volgende opskrif voorkom: “Possibly related posts”.

    Terwyl ek hier skryf, verskyn daar:
    “Men are so”
    “Dis al wat jy kry”

    Dit is twee van Izette se gedigte en jy kan direk soontoe gaan as jy daarop klik.

    Dit is ‘n interesante eienskap van hierdie blogruimte. Mens kan partykeer op baie interessante blogs afkom op hierdie manier. Laat weet gerus as jy nog hulp nodig het.

    Groetnis

  4. In die holte van my kop raas dit nou
    die leemte van die ligtehaar vloek
    die ge-heen-en-weer jaag van
    http://www.hierdie en http://www.daardie
    al die internet vrinne dros, terwyl
    die geraas in die leemte skreeu
    gaan saam gaan saam liewer as agterbly!

    • Nice vers, Chrissie.


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